Trying To Conceive, Fertility and IVF Treatment: How we can support women’s fertility experiences and beyond

The pressure on women experiencing difficulty conceiving follows them far beyond any successful pregnancy.

And we don’t talk enough about that.

We don’t talk enough about it, and in doing so, silence creates shame. Unrealistic expectations and unforgiving standards thrive in the shame of it. There exists huge care and support voids.

I spent my early career treating women experiencing difficulty conceiving. Their path was often layered, complex, long, painful and isolating.

In their daily lives they buried appointments with alternative stories for workplaces.

Smiled at functions when they were in agony.

Said congratulations instead of screaming.

I held space for them through eventual pregnancies and postpartum periods too.

That’s when I realised.

There’s a very particular, pointed and intense pressure reserved for women struggling to conceive.

It’s entirely invisible. Mostly unnamed. And, devastatingly, it lingers well beyond achieving a successful pregnancy too.

The Aftershocks and Ripple Effects of Struggling to Conceive on Pregnancy and Beyond

Fertility stories penetrate a woman’s entire pregnancy journey and her birth preparation. It’s present in her birth space and her postpartum realities.

The pressures from living infertility are detectable in feeding, bonding and motherhood.

An ever present whisper.

At first I assumed this was purely institutional. Women with more complex conception stories are viewed differently by our medical systems, which tends to influence their outcomes.

But that’s not the whole story.

Becuase it’s societal too.

It’s the pressure that comes from the air we breathe as members of a society that views things in a very particular (right/wrong) way.

The societal expectations on all pregnant women and mothers is excruciating. But for women who’ve had to bury the pain of navigating conception difficulties, the impact of the social construction of motherhood is An Entirely Different Beast.

Women who’ve walked through the fire to hold their babies fall through some of the biggest gaps in our care.

And not just because they are forced to navigate institutions with greater tenacity and awareness.

Through our inability to honour the complexity of their story.

They meet the societal messages of The Perfect Mother (the good baby, the beautiful birth, the blissful breastfeeding, the life-changingly rewarding maternal experience...) with a pitch that scream louder at them than other mothers.

You. Wanted. This.

And if we don’t take the time to understand and unpack what you’re up against, all you’ll see is the hardness.

All you’ll own is a state of ‘failure’ - and you’ll accept it as your own.

But it’s not you. It never was.

You are a walking, breathing beauty.

I’ve seen you in thousands of faces and the data stacks up. You are incredible.

You’re being dealt a difficult hand in your direct experience.

And our institutional practices and societal messaging are amplifying the challenges you are facing.

Bottom line. We can - and must - do better in supporting you in all that you carry. As you traverse trying to conceive, and beyond.